"The Penis Parables"

Someone tried to sextort me with a picture so old it can almost vote. Threatening to drop a nude photo of me is like free advertising because I'm a genetic freak, I might as well embrace it... Three people told me I should write a book. I wrote DICK CITY, THIRD LEG DROP on a tshirt instead. Here's half a chapter about my schlong...

"Read", 2023 -- As my age approaches my body count, I got cocky and decided to write the penile version of the Vagina Monologues.

The elephant in the room. Hang ten, thumb to pinky. Nine. Straight up, multiple women have told me with their eyes as big as dinner plates that I have the biggest junk they've ever seen. One told me "I don't think it will fit", another told me "My boyfriend will definitely know if I fuck you." From what? The echo? Respect to the ones who stepped up and rode space mountain. I don't think people know the real issues we have to deal with packing a whopper. Lack of inseam real estate. Errant toilet water. Balls. Booty calls.

Bottoms.... Boxers, briefs. Skinny jeans. Denim prison for my prick. There's no containing that monster behind buttons. Athletic shorts. Gray sweatpants. Pants are all kinds of bullshit. Every day, cosmic penile horrors beyond my understanding. Best way to describe it, try fitting a stale Applebees breadstick comfortably in your pants. There's no ideal chariot for my cock and balls. which I haven't even addressed yet.

My scrotum is a roadmap of scars, I can unfurl it to find my way if I get lost, it's a tremendously resilient beast. I've had more than my fair share of benign masses removed. I've seen it triple in size. When I was very young my doctor told me I likely won't be having any children, but a psychic told me otherwise. Stick two cherry tomatos and some honey into a balloon and get that pendulously attatached to the body end of your stale Applebees breadstick. People wanna talk shit about manspreading, but they couldn't handle this. Imagine nerves are all attached to your cherry tomato balls and breadstick cock. Seems delicious, right? WRONG.

Now break the breadstick in half and sit on a toilet, and your gear takes a dip. Most people sit on a toilet without all of their equipment falling into the pond or making contact with the bowl. Not me. It's a cold watery splash on the sack. I have a really tall deep toilet bowl to remedy this problem.

To be continued...