Divorce Is Hilarious - Part I

"Hi I'm Chucky, wanna play?"

I think I was five when my parents divorced. I can remember many reasons why, but that's a whole other can of worms. It was back when I still said prayers. I was in catholic school kindergarten, I don't recall being aware of many horror movies. I watched Beetlejuice, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the He-Man movie and Ghostbusters, that was about as scary as it got. I wasn't allowed to watch Terminator 2, despite my repeated pleas and requests but one time a babysitter showed me Robocop... I knew at 4 years old that the guy getting shot in the dick was hilarious. Anyway after dad got his shitty bachelor apartment and Mom, my parents divorced. Mom and my brother and I moved to Nutley with my future step-Dad, the old man I guess bought his old house in Denville again... I got to go to my old house every other weekend, it was awesome to be allowed in the asbestos ridden attic, and to do whatever the fuck I wanted. The old man called himself "The Party Parent."

My new life in Nutley was grounded but cool, Dan, a kid two years my elder who lived across the street became my best friend. He was a bit of a hellraiser, and was allowed to watch Terminator 2. He was the one who planted the seed of Chucky in my nubile innocent brain. My dad, in a desperate attempt to buy our affection, would pretty much rent us (a three and a five year old) any movie that we wanted to watch, and copy the tape so we had it forever. From then on I was raised on The Shining, The Thing, Terminator, the Ghoulies trilogy, Die Hard, Commando, Predator, Aliens... all that shit. None of that had any profound lingering effects like Childs Play.

For as long as I can remember before the divorce, I had a "My Buddy" doll. It was the kids toy that Chucky hilariously and violently parodies, and there was also a "Kid Sister" if I recall correctly. It came with me to Nutley when I moved, and the doll sat undisturbed on my dresser for a while. My friends had been building up this movie like it was the greatest thing ever. When I finally watched it, I was all fucking in but it scared the shit out of me. I don't think I had ever seen a movie with a character my age as the victim. Sunday comes, and dad drives me back to Mom's.

My brother and I are preparing for bed, we brush our teeth, get in our pajamas, off to the top bunk for me. Dave's down in the bottom bunk and we used to bullshit for a while before we went to sleep. He was chatty. I forget what he was talking about, because the My Buddy doll fell off the dresser, and we both BOLTED out of that room. My mom called my dad and tore him a new asshole. My Buddy got thrown into the basement, where you would think I would grow the fuck up and the story would end, but no. It ends on a cliffhanger. You'll notice they all end on a cliffhanger, because I never grew the fuck up.

One more thing... For some reason, my younger brother wanted everyone to know that I cried at the end of Terminator 2 when we watched it as wee lads. Even in his twenties, he'd still throw that at me. Now I cry because they make horrible Terminator movies... and also because my brother isn't with us anymore. Much like the circumstances of the divorce, that's a different story for a different day!